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The quiet can be deafening. Sometimes it just seems too quiet. It's hard to go from a house filled with so much noise to a home that is eerily quiet most days. Long gone are the days when noise filled every corner of my day. Laughter, giggles, playing, running down hallways, and the constant talking. I even miss the bickering and arguing. I don't think I'd ever miss the fighting between the kids, but here I am. I remember when Therese had Colic as a baby and it felt like it would never end. She'd cry from 4 p.m. to 1 a.m. It felt like torture. Now, it feels like a blip in the grand scheme of things and I'd take that time back in a heartbeat.
Everyone tells you the days are long and the years are short, but when you're living it, it doesn't seem that way. You're so busy dealing with the ins and outs of daily life that you don't even realize that time is passing by. It feels like I just brought home that sweet little baby boy and now he's almost 21. He's heading out into the real world and making his own path. The years have gone by too quickly. I wish I could just get a few back but I know I can't. There's no rewind button. It's all part of the journey they say. I just didn't realize how lonely and empty that journey would be.
I miss my little buddies. I miss the cuddles and big grins when they would see me. We spent every day together learning, exploring, and going on new adventures. I'm so thankful we homeschooled and I got the opportunity to be there for so much. But I think that makes this next journey a little harder. It's harder to let go. It's harder to be left behind when they start their own lives. There's an emptiness that appears that no one really talks about. I know we have to let them spread their wings and fly. I get that. I love seeing them grow, but it's still a hard step in this crazy life. My heart breaks just a little with each new step they take.
When you're 20 and just starting out, you're eager to get going. You're running full force. You're fearless and a little naive. You have everything planned out, whether it goes as you have planned is up to God. When you're 50, it's a little hard to start over. When you've given so much of yourself over the years to kids and family, it's hard to know where to begin. It's hard to know who you are, what you want, and where you're headed. It's a little scary if I'm being honest. It's hard to put yourself first. It seems weird to think about yourself and not have to worry about kids and what they need. It's been so long since I only thought about what I wanted.
I think it's hitting me a little harder today since both kids are gone. They are both taking exams for their careers. The last few weeks, my husband and I were on a trip out west and we were busy. Crazy busy going from place to place. Now that we're home, the hustle and bustle is gone. The stillness is a little too much. I keep telling myself to keep breathing and things will figure themselves out.
I need to sit down and pray about my next journey. I need to pray about my new path and where God wants me to head.
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Till Next Time,
Monique
